Sunday, October 30, 2005

How much darling?

5 for a hand job
10 for a nightclub blow job and...
a shags free cause I'm that desperate.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Second home sweet home

As my wonderful sister lives in Slough now, it's nice to know I have a second home in the UK. One always likes to feel one has roots somewhere, and not having any close family or friends in the UK, I guess her cottage in Slough will be as close as I can get. Foo wee.

He's behind you

It's a good job we're in pantomime season because the Fishy blog is fitting right in. We have the full cast list now, the poor hard done to cinderella with no family to love her and a love who has left her, the evil half sister who mocks her, the evil uncle who secretly plots her downfall, the evil aunt who has plotted against her all her life and is now relishing in her misery, the absent father, the deceased mother and grandfather who visit her in her dreams and encourage her in her trip round the world on a boat.

Baarrfffff, give me a brake. This is all so far from real life it's hilarious. The fish blog is like a badly written story waiting to be rescued, not to mention boring and repetitive. Please, get a life and stop talking about anchors, sails and fucking bread making! Foo wee.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Talk about up your own arse

"Used to be a weekend smoker myself until the day that I found out I had a tumor. I gave up in a flash so quick you couldn't even see the flash. Made me feel ashamed for having put myself at known risk, coz we all know it ain't good for us. It's okay for thick bastards to smoke, they have a reason, being thick, but for us educated folks, well, we ain't got no excuse and well, I gave up. Just like that."

Have you ever heard the likes of that? Us educated folks? Thick bastards? I think someone is a little confused, but theres nothing new there. Who exactly are 'us educated folks' and who deemed her appointer of thick people?

We? Trying to create a bond with readers to make them think only the educated read her blog? That is such a telling paragraph, as it portrays how she views herself and others. She is above others simply because she went to University maybe, or because she works in education, even though she is not a qualified teacher? People are thick because they don't agree with her or do what she does? What a self important, judgmental condescending old bat she is. Foo wee.

Wooooa tiger

It seems an onlookers comments can send me into a frenzy.

Come on you all know how the song goes,

If you're psychotically happy and you know it shake your hands, boom boom......

A sad sight

I was looking at this photo of myself the other day when I realised how absolutely minging I am. I look starved! Just look at the Deidre Barlow lines around my neck!! I felt horror as I saw how skinny I am but that my nose has remained big and fat and my hair limp and greasy. No wonder I can't find anyone to love me. Even fucking Deidre Barlow can find someone to love her, maybe I need a better script writer. Foo wee.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I'm so depressed

Depressed, bi-polar, I don't know. One minute I'm happy telling everyone I am over him and I will never speak of him again, the next I am sobbing and wanting to end my life again. Who would have thought that a man seeing my true personality and rejecting it would be so hard? I thought I had gone about it the right way. I spent weeks talking to him on the internet, so I had chance to paint my character really well and deeply into him. When we met it should have been easier to continue that character was it not for his bloody parents. This is all the fault of his parents, my misery is all their fault. I take absolutely no responsibility at all. Pass the prozac. Foo sobbing wee.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Heeeeellloooooo, nobodies listening!!

"If I could, but this isn't America, I'd shoot myself in the head right now."

This is shouting out how desperate she is for attention. 'Nobody has commented on how depressed I am, so I must up the ante'. Sad cow. Foo wee.

Look at me everyone, I'm really depressed.

"So, I think that to survive I must admit to my failure in life as a human. I must embrace the fact that I will never be loved because if somebody were to love me again then I'd only fuck up by being jealous if you looked at another woman, or sad if you didn't notice when I needed your love, or disappointed when you didn't experience the same feeling as I expected you to feel. See! I'm a shit person. God, how did he last so long with me? What kept him with me? I thought he loved me but I went too far and he left me. Hey, living life as a freak, as a person who is too nasty to ever really maintain any semblance of love from another, actually gives one a sense of being again. Instead of believing that I am the romantic person on the planet, the truest person to whomever I love, yeah, instead I will forge this new personality for myself - somebody who will always be alone. I'll get used to it now. Being alone. Forever. Because the truth of the matter is I failed in love with Francesco. He left me even though I tried so hard to make our dream come true - to the point that I got us a cruise-worthy boat. And he still left me. This makes me a shit person. It really does. I don't like myself. I will sleep long hours and work when I have to and just be robotic till I die. "

Well, I just wonder how long it will be before this post and the last are deleted from the honest blog? This is so obviously an attention seeking device. It's screaming "come on all my blogging friends, tell me how wonderful and couragous I am, and how he didn't deserve me anyway etc" Then everyone tells you that you are great and you delete the post apologising for making a fool of yourself again. Don't you ever feel like a hamster on a wheel you can't get off because your life and moods seem to go in a cycle that never breaks. Foo 'pity me' wee.

Self pity 4 U

"So, if I gave all my love to one person and still I failed in keeping that person able to love me, then what kind of person does that make me?Am I about to start living the rest of my life under the realisation that I am not a good person and that I deserve all I get? Am I really so awful? My extended family, bar two cousins, don't like me but they haven't seen me properly since I was 24. My mother is dead. My father totally absent. I've lost two friends in the past due to my phobia with fork biting. But I tried so hard to show my good side with the first man that I had ever loved. I believed in him before we'd even met. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him because I truly loved him. But I failed. I must have failed for a reason. Many reasons. Even though I believed in us and started planning for our dream to sail around the world on our own boat, planning via the investing of money, the quitting of job, I still failed. I still wasn't doing it right and well, I sit here now and feel that it is time to admit to myself that I am not a good person and that I should start accepting that I can never be like others. How do you manage to keep your loves? How do you manage to not end up like me? A total human failure.If I accept that I am a shit then maybe if sunlight sometime shines, I can feel a little bit of happiness amidst the knowledge that I'm honest enough to admit that I'm a crap person.I must be the worst person in the world after Bush. "

I have to say, I couldn't agree more. You are indeed a shit. Foo wee.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Man, I get worse!

Not only do I go out on the town and act like the village bike, but I hook up with a blogging fan that looks like a cross between Bob Geldof and Tom Selleck. Still, the Bob part of him may be weak enough to afford me some charity for a quick shag.

Take a close look at my photo, look at my aged hands. Not the hands of a worker, but the hands of an aging woman. A lonely aging woman. Also, look at the lack of cleavage. I think I should take some of my small £60 000 inheritance and invest in a boob job. Maybe I'd keep a man who didn't look like a gypsy king then. Ah, no, thats forgetting I have a personality problem, well, actually, I'm mad. Foo cuckoo wee.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Who are you... who who.. who who?

So own up, who was the pen of this lovely e-mail I received back in May...

"I've known Maria for a couple of years and we are friends. I won't go into specifics about who I am, where I am, or what I am but I must admit I read your blog. I'm curious to know where this all stems from. There must be a ton of crap between you two for you to spend so much time on making this blog so...interesting. I hate to read your blog and because I am her friend but I find that I can't help myself because you obviously spend a fair amount of time in reading hers and sending it up (really well, I might add). You have something oddly fascinating about you. I'm curious. ? "

Move over Rosie and Jim

I have decided that my future lies in barges. Canal barges. It makes perfect sense. I can spend a life on the water, avoid paying any income tax or council tax, I can make money teaching from on my barge and I won't have to communicate with other annoying human beings if I don't want to. I'm sure the rest of the local population would be pleased about that too. It also means if I get lucky I can do a black widow routine on them and bump them off overboard when I've had my wicked way with them. Saves the rejection further down the line and all that. What a top idea. I'm going to find loads of forums to go on about it, get some books and try to sound knowledgeable about something I know nothing about. Life is just peachy. Foo wee.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The worm turns

It seems the worm has turned. The pumpkins may have escaped me, but I caught this image of trouble in paradise yesterday. It seems they have been lying low in the lanes while the aftermath of the great pumpkin escape passed over. They appear to have been rowing somewhat. It seems that 'she' wanted slits for eyes in the pumpkin for Halloween, and 'he' wanted round eyes. Talk about clash of the titans. Well, as nature intended, 'she' won and slits were made. I have informed the police of the whereabouts of the thieves and the location of the stolen pumpkins, with slits for eyes, but we will have to wait and see what happens. Criminals as elusive as these don't get easily caught you know! Foo wee.

Monday, October 03, 2005

In hot pursuit

I chased them down the lane to try to get some justice done, I mean, even if you are old, stealing is stealing! It seems to me they do it for the thrill of the chase and the buzz of getting away with it, a bit like joy riding. Come on, what pensioner can say they stole pumpkins for necessity! Anyhow, I headed off down the lane, camera in hand ready to tackle them. The cheeky sods stopped, turned round, pulled the above face, gave me the finger, and headed off pumpkins in arms! I was so shocked and flabbergasted I stood still for about 5 minutes watching them waddle off into beyond.
They really have gone too far this time. I vow I will catch these local tealeaves, and I will bring them to justice one day, just you watch me. This is war now. Foo wee.

Caught them!

My regular readers may well remember my encounter in the park with the cutlery thieves, well blow me down with a feather if I didn't catch them at it again! I was sauntering round my local garden centre when I spotted a suspicious looking couple out of the corner of my eye. I decided to have a look because I had a gut feeling it was them. I got my camera out so if they were stealing I could get evidence.
Well I saw them taking pumpkins from the shelves and making towards the emergency exit with them. I called out to them, and this is when I took my photo, they turned round and looked quite surprised to see me. I ran at them, intending to rugby tackle the slowest one, but bugger me if they didn't make a break for it! Before I could make any gain on them, they were out of the emergency exit and power walking up the lane. Foo wee.