Monday, October 24, 2005

Look at me everyone, I'm really depressed.


"So, I think that to survive I must admit to my failure in life as a human. I must embrace the fact that I will never be loved because if somebody were to love me again then I'd only fuck up by being jealous if you looked at another woman, or sad if you didn't notice when I needed your love, or disappointed when you didn't experience the same feeling as I expected you to feel. See! I'm a shit person. God, how did he last so long with me? What kept him with me? I thought he loved me but I went too far and he left me. Hey, living life as a freak, as a person who is too nasty to ever really maintain any semblance of love from another, actually gives one a sense of being again. Instead of believing that I am the romantic person on the planet, the truest person to whomever I love, yeah, instead I will forge this new personality for myself - somebody who will always be alone. I'll get used to it now. Being alone. Forever. Because the truth of the matter is I failed in love with Francesco. He left me even though I tried so hard to make our dream come true - to the point that I got us a cruise-worthy boat. And he still left me. This makes me a shit person. It really does. I don't like myself. I will sleep long hours and work when I have to and just be robotic till I die. "

Well, I just wonder how long it will be before this post and the last are deleted from the honest blog? This is so obviously an attention seeking device. It's screaming "come on all my blogging friends, tell me how wonderful and couragous I am, and how he didn't deserve me anyway etc" Then everyone tells you that you are great and you delete the post apologising for making a fool of yourself again. Don't you ever feel like a hamster on a wheel you can't get off because your life and moods seem to go in a cycle that never breaks. Foo 'pity me' wee.

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